25 December 2007

Talking To My Boys At Christmas

DOUGLAS: I spent Christmas Eve with my oldest son Doug, who pointed out with some excitement that one of the College lacrosse publications has identified him among the potential "impact players" in the incoming class at Nazareth this season. Doug has had a terribly difficult year that has left holes in his heart where his brothers should be. Despite that, he has proven himself to be a wonderful young man in everything he's done. I love him and am ridiculously proud of him and I told him so.

AUGUST: Today I had a very funny and enjoyable phone "conversation" with my youngest son August (age 22 months) who is in California with his mother. After blurting out "pappa" when he heard my voice, August's contrbution to our chat amounted to pushing the cell phone buttons, sniffing, grunting, and breathing very hard into the phone. For my part I reminded him again that "Pappa loves August." I miss my sweet little boy. While I don't have a recent picture of Douglas here is one of his baby brother, taken last month:

JEFFREY: This is the first Christmas since Jeffrey died. I find myself vascillating between smiling at many very fond memories of Jeff's Christmas antics and tears of rage that he is not here. Jeff would be 15 and a half now. This picture is from last year at this time. Jeff, I miss you more than I can say. I love you. In one way or another I've already said those things to your brothers, so here I am saying them to you.

My Jeff (June 1992-April 2007)


So, that is where things stand with me and my boys: love, pride, sadness, anticipation, longing, joy, loss, happiness .... especially love.

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Blogger AMEN said...

thank you for sharing yourself here. too often, our blogs can become an escape from who we are, a separation. thank you for being unashamed to be human.

26 December, 2007 04:54  
Anonymous Craig said...

It's the posts of your boys that move me the most.

When I first read the post about Jeff's death - I cried. I find I do that more as I get older but the story of Jeff was especially moving. I have carried his story around in my heart over this last year. I've tried to explain it to my wife but she does not really get it. It may be that because I have boys, I am able to "understand" and grieve with you. I have taken your suggestion, "Please hug your loved ones and hold them tight for an extra moment or two today." to heart and to deed. In a strange way my children are better off because of a boy that I never knew and his dad's blog. May that be of some comfort to you in this time of trial in your life.

You don't have to post this comment. It's mostly a personal note from a father to a father. I wish you well in this coming year.


27 December, 2007 16:43  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dunno: sometimes it's this acute sense of loss that helps some of us make connections with those massive numbers of the dead in other posts, your sidebar, whatever.

Then again I think ffs, how many of us are not making these connections. And why not, and who stops them/us?

Yeah I know some of those answers, but still. And on a big scale this amount of grief isn't more, nor is it less. The numbers are unimportant: one or one hundred, the pain is just too big.

And in a micro-context where all our everyday doings are about making sense of everything, in an incremental or scientific manner, I suppose the living dichotomy is just to get by, under these raw conditions, when it just doesn't and is never going to, make sense.

Thank you for writing, Jim.


01 January, 2008 19:36  

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